I want to say at the outset that this is not a rhetorical question. If you are feeling chronically depleted, it may be because you are doing too much. Adding a Masters degree on top of full-time work and childcare; starting a new gym regimen around a sixty-plus-hour workweek; becoming a full-time carer to someone who is wakeful at night – there are many scenarios in which one might feel rundown or lacking in motivation due to a temporary (or long-term) overload of effort.
Chronic low energy can also have physiological causes, from conditions like ME/CFS or nutrient deficiencies through to hormonal changes, natural ageing, or changes of diet or environment. If you frequently struggle to focus or get through the tasks of your week and you aren’t sure why, it is worth talking to a doctor.
On the other hand, if you find yourself in the frustrating situation where you are trying to move your life forward but progress keeps stalling in waves of exhaustion, low motivation, brain fog, baffling mistakes – and if it feels like no amount of “slowing down” or “doing less” fixes the problem – then it may be worth checking your life over to see if you can find an energy leak.
If you are leaking energy due to some kind of ongoing situation that undermines your thriving, it is going to be really hard to set and maintain the habits that could bring durable improvement. This can result in a lot of wasted effort, which in turn undermines confidence.
I have encountered a few different types of energy leak in my practice and reading. I will list some of these as distinct ideas, in case one or another particularly resonates, though they can, in reality, co-occur in various combinations.
- Chronic, unaddressed emotional pain
This can be something you are sharply conscious of or more dimly aware of – or even something you have pushed out of your awareness, believing you left it in the past. Of course, it will then be tricky to unearth, but one possible clue is reaching for a certain emotion or reaction over and over in different situations: self-blame, say, or righteous anger, or taking excessive responsibility. If certain memories recur when you are stressed, or if there are parts of your past you are aware you avoid thinking about, then this possibility may be worth exploring.
2. The inner “no” that you are refusing to listen to
It can be a terrible bind for people who feel they have fallen behind: they sense they are tired and need to rest, but they are also straining with every sinew to catch up. Sometimes rest doesn’t even feel restful, so there seems no point in pausing for it. A person in this bind can get very in their head about when to push forward and when to slow their efforts down. But a different angle to consider here is that there may be some part of the psyche that is saying no to all the efforts you are making. Until you stop to listen to that “no” and ask it what its nature and reasons are, you cannot know if it is a healthy call toward a different, more authentic, more balanced kind of life, or early programming that is reacting against success itself. It almost doesn’t matter what the reasons behind the resistance are – the point is that you enquire into them. “No” has a ferocious will of its own, which it will work ever more forcibly through all of your systems – body, feelings, thoughts, whatever it can reach – if the part of you that is usually in charge of decisions is ignoring it.
3. “Non-negotiable” silent agreements you have made with yourself or with others
You may be living among various “have tos” and “shoulds” that you can’t imagine abandoning, no matter the personal cost. You may not even question these obligations except in moments when someone else asks, “But you don’t have to, do you?” Even then, you may simply think they don’t understand – and maybe they don’t. But if you find yourself doing something habitually – be it at someone else’s request, or something that just feels to you imperative – you might step back and ask, “What would happen if I didn’t do this anymore? Would others be affected, and is that my responsibility? What would it mean about me if I dropped this habit?” If it is truly a rational obligation, you should be satisfied with your answers. If left unchallenged, these non-negotiables, can become very sapping – especially if, as often seems to happen, other people’s crises distract you just at the moments when you most need to focus on your own efforts.
4. Chronic dysregulation
You could have a dozen laudable projects on the go, but if you often fall into dysregulation, progress will be difficult. Dysregulation can show up as sudden floods of intense emotions, or conversely, as fogginess and numbness. In these states, you may find you are less able to pay attention, make wise decisions, or follow social cues. You may even struggle to control your gestures or speak clearly. It is all the more maddening if you don’t know what is happening, and I have seen it cause intense self-blame. Those with CPTSD or neurodiverse conditions can be particularly susceptible. It is possible to learn to catch dysregulation earlier, stop it from spiraling, and re-regulate your system. These skills get easier the more you practice. They can be life-changing.
5. Self-worth tied up with achievement
For some people, slowing down can create its own kind of stress because they think their only worth is in being productive. It is important to all of us to know we matter. If that only feels true for you when you’re working, then not working will be deeply uncomfortable, and you will stay on alert, full of guilt and worry about what isn’t getting done. What’s more, slowing down or resting might allow painful feelings to flood back into awareness that you are usually keeping at bay: perhaps feelings of disgust, shame, or contempt toward who you are at your core. This can feel like a secret that needs to be kept from the world, and the sense of secrecy can further compound the shame.
Having an energy leak in your system isn’t just tiring in the day-to-day. It can also make you vulnerable to setbacks, because it drains your buffer. It can feel devastating if you’re already running on fumes and you meet with an obstacle – or two or three. You simply can not be resilient, so it can then feel like your fate – your future wellness and fulfilment – is entirely up to present chance. Resilience is praised as a quality for exactly this reason: it makes risk more survivable, and therefore opens up more opportunities. (Though it has also been criticised, at least as a public policy objective, for priming systemically stressed individuals to tolerate more suffering instead of finding a systemic fix.) However much you might value resilience, you can’t acquire it just be deciding to. Resilience is not an attitude, it is a nervous system state: the state of having what you need for the task at hand and a little bit more. If some persistent situation is undermining your flourishing, that buffer can never accumulate.
It is true, some people can be at their apparent limit, and push through to do more. This is a false resilience bought at the expense of cutting off your own awareness of your pain, and therefore, of your limits. You can push yourself far into the red this way, but the bill always comes due. It therefore sometimes makes sense in the short term, but rarely as an ongoing life strategy. But neither is collapsing into despair and chronic inaction going to offer many people a path to what they hope for in life. If these two extremes seem like the only options available – and they might, to someone in an over-taxed and rundown state – it can feel like a cruel and pointless choice. But the cruelty is in this very squashing of imagination – in reaching the point where another world stops seeming possible.
In truth, it is possible to start making the shift toward a more sustainable, self-nourishing way of being. Some people like to start by investigating the relevant theory on their own. Keywords like CPTSD, ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), dysregulation, and the window of tolerance could be helpful starting points. Gathering ideas about what might be happening (none of which need be your final and definitive truth) can reduce shame, and connect you with community and healing resources. If further action feels warranted (because understanding does not always unlock change on its own), joining a group committed to healing from unhelpful patterns could be powerful. Adult Children of Alcoholics or Codependents Anonymous are free to attend, and have chapters in many cities and towns. Or you might seek the support of a trauma-informed therapist who can help you suspend judgement about your patterns, whatever they are, so as to gently enquire more deeply into them. A leak that can be found can be plugged, and then the vessel can work as it should. Your energy belongs to you, to spend however seems meaningful. I urge you: don’t let it leak away unawares.